Melancholy

I take a step up, ten more, twenty more. I have moved in what feels like 360 degrees yet, somehow, I have made no progress upward at all.
This staircase never seems to end.

I am trapped in a I look down but cannot see the bottom floor, I look up but cannot see a ceiling, I am trapped. To the sides of me is nothing but darkness, there is nothing perceivable to me except for the marble staircase I am standing upon. Where do I go from here?

Do I jump? Do I continue to waste my time attempting to climb a never-ending stairwell? Or do I stay here in defeat and wait until death takes me? The slow and torturous agony I will feel as I dehydrate, deteriorate and waste away to nothing.

There is no alternate option; I am trapped an unbeatable situation of my own creation.

I brought this upon myself, I put myself here and now I will never escape. I knew I would never be happy, it was pointless to even try. I deserve to suffer and so I am here, I will die alone. I sit down and wish, I wish for just one last glimpse of sunlight, one last lightning bolt to strike before my eyes, to smell a peony rose just one last time.

No normal human being attains something that brings them so much joy, only for the thought to occur moments later: “Nothing this good happens to me. Right behind this moment lurks disaster, something horrible that will shatter the foundation beneath my feet. Everything will burn around me, everything beautiful about this moment will vanish without a trace.”

These kind of thoughts bring a man to despair. These kind of thoughts bring a man to self sabotage his joy, “you don’t deserve this, destroy it all before the monster behind it beats you to the punch.” And so you do, you sabotage the moment, you place yourself on the stairwell again and begin to walk in your wheel just like a mouse. You are Sisyphus with his stone hoping one day to push that boulder back over the lip of the hill, one day I will have freedom, I will have my love, one day I will feel her in my arms again, I will look into her eyes and she will smile. But deep down you know the truth, the stone will never go to the top of the hill and stay, the wheel you are running in will never go nowhere, the stairwell will never end.

 

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